A Seemingly Innocent Weapon in Divorce Delay Strategies
When you’re navigating the stormy seas of divorce delay, tactics like rescheduling, adjournments, and continuances can be more than just procedural hurdles. For me, they were a relentless wave, each one trying to knock me further off balance. Let’s unpack these tactics and learn how to stay afloat. We’ll explore not only what these terms mean but how they are often strategically employed in legal battles, reflecting on my own experiences and offering insights into navigating these challenges.
Decoding the Tactics: Rescheduling, Adjournments, and Continuances
Rescheduling is when a court date is moved to a later time. It sounds innocent enough, right? But when used strategically, it’s a delay tactic, pure and simple. This can be particularly frustrating when you’re prepared for a hearing only to find out it’s been postponed at the last minute.
Adjournments are similar but might involve a bit more formality. It’s like a rescheduling on steroids—the court acknowledges a delay and sets a new date. Adjournments can be requested for various reasons, from needing more time to gather evidence to attorney scheduling conflicts.
Continuances are a fancier term still, often used in higher courts. It’s an official pause in proceedings, and yes, it’s as frustrating as it sounds. Continuances can significantly prolong the divorce process, adding months or even years to the timeline. This is Mr. X’s signature move with about 20 something continuances—the exact same thing—hire a forensic accountant, which he told the judge he would do every single time. Spoiler alert: He never hired a forensic accountant. Never. But it took five years for the judge to say enough is enough. Really?
The story doesn’t end with the final gavel bang. The echoes linger, often turning into long-term battles. For me, it meant stepping into the ring myself, as my own lawyer. This wasn’t just a choice; it became a necessity. The toll? My career took a backseat, and my professional identity seemed to dissolve into the courtroom air. The constant delays and rescheduling can lead to significant stress and anxiety, impacting not only your mental health but also your ability to maintain a stable job or focus on a career.
According to a study by the American Psychological Association, prolonged divorce proceedings can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and depression. This emotional toll is not just a short-term issue; it can have lasting effects on your mental well-being.
Financially, the impact is just as profound. The longer a divorce drags on, the more expensive it becomes. Legal fees pile up, and the inability to focus on work can lead to lost income or even job loss. This financial strain adds another layer of stress to an already difficult situation.
A report from CNBC details how divorce costs can spiral, particularly when proceedings are drawn out with tactics like rescheduling.
A Life Redefined: Turning Struggle into Purpose
But here’s the twist: out of this legal labyrinth, ‘MomVersusTheWorld.com’ was born. It became my new focus, not by choice but by circumstance. This blog isn’t just a project; it’s a lifeline, a channel to pour years of accumulated knowledge, frustration, and real talk about divorce into something meaningful. This transition was not easy. Shifting from a career to focusing solely on my blog due to these circumstances was a drastic change, but it was necessary for my mental health and financial stability.
Through this blog, I’ve been able to connect with others going through similar struggles, offering support, advice, and a sense of community. It’s become more than just a way to make a living; it’s a platform to share, learn, and grow together.
Navigating the Maze: Strategies to Counter These Tactics
Dealing with these tactics requires a mix of resilience, legal savvy, and sometimes sheer willpower. Whether it’s staying organized, seeking the right legal advice, or learning to advocate for yourself, there are ways to stand strong against the tide.
Staying organized is crucial. Keeping detailed records of all communication, court dates, and rescheduling notices can help you track patterns and prepare your case. Seeking legal advice is also key. Even if you’re representing yourself, consulting with a lawyer can provide valuable insights and strategies.
Self-advocacy is another critical skill. Learning to navigate the legal system, understanding your rights, and being able to articulate your needs in court can make a significant difference. The National Center for State Courts offers resources for self-representation in court, which can be an invaluable tool for anyone going through a pro se divorce.
Conclusion
In the end, it’s about finding your path through the chaos. It’s tough, it’s draining, but it’s not impossible. And if my journey can shine a light on that path for even one person, then every rescheduled court date, every adjournment, every continuance—it was all worth it. We may not have control over every aspect of the divorce process, but we can control how we respond and adapt. In sharing my story, I hope to empower others to find their strength, even in the most challenging circumstances.
The Bitter Aftertaste of Freedom: A Brief Intro to Divorce Debt
Divorce debt can often feel like an unwanted party favor you can’t return. When you sign those papers and the gavel hits, you’re not just parting ways with your spouse; you’re potentially inviting a new cumbersome companion into your life: financial strain. Yes, in the grand parting of the marital seas, along with reclaiming your much-missed maiden name, you may also inherit a heap of debt that could send even the sturdiest of financial standings into a tailspin. That’s the kicker with divorce – it’s not just about uncoupling from a person but also detaching from shared goals, dreams, and yes, bank accounts. In that division, debts accrued over the sunny ‘I do’ days can suddenly cast a shadow over your newfound independence, turning what should be a fresh start into a fiscal fiasco. So as you step out solo, it’s crucial to acknowledge this potential side effect of your nuptial conclusion. It’s time to confront the balance sheets of yesterday with the resilience of today because, let’s face it, the only ’till death do us part’ you want after a divorce is from the debts that came with it. When you get divorced, you’re not just saying goodbye to your partner; you’re often waving goodbye to a chunk of your financial security. That’s right, in addition to scoring your last name back, you might also snag a portion of debt that would make your credit card weep.
How to Deal With Post-Divorce Finances: The “I Do” to “I Debt” Transition
It’ll show you the nitty-gritty of what you owe and to whom.
Declining credit scorethe unsubscribing spree: sift through your bank statements for those sneaky auto-renew subscriptions. If you haven’t used that gym membership since the free pizza stopped, it’s time to say goodbye. Your assets count, too. it’s not all about debts. List your assets because that designer bag you never use could be someone else’s treasure on consignment.
Create a Budget Like a Boss:
Income: List your income sources, even if it’s just finding coins in the couch cushions right now.
Expenses:Separate needs from wants. Yes, that includes the wine subscription.
Cutting corners on fixed expenses: Can you refinance your mortgage or negotiate lower car insurance rates? Sometimes a quick call can lead to savings.
Variable expenses: Track variable expenses like groceries or gas, as they can often be trimmed with smart shopping or carpooling.
The emergency fund focus: Start putting aside a little, even if it’s just a few dollars each week, to build an emergency fund. This is your financial cushion that says ‘I got you’ when life throws a wrench in your plans.
Step 2: Facing the Debt Monster
Negotiate like your life depends on it.
Call creditors and negotiate terms like you’re brokering world peace.
Leverage your payment history: If you’ve been a good payer in the past, remind them of your previous loyalty. Creditors may be more lenient if they see you’ve only recently hit a rough patch.
Seek out hardship programs: Many creditors have undisclosed hardship programs that can offer temporary reduced interest rates or payment plans. Swallow that pride and ask—it’s like finding a hidden level in a video game, but with real-life benefits.
Snowball vs. Avalanche:
Snowball Method: Start with small debts to gain momentum.
Avalanche Method: Tackle high-interest debts first to save on interest.
Step 3: Increase Your Cash Flow
Side hustle
Side Hustles:
Put your unique skills to work. If you can knit like a wizard, sell those scarves!
Don’t knock down gig economy opportunities; food delivery might just be your financial savior.
Monetize your hobby: If you’re crafty, platforms like Etsy are the digital storefronts for your homemade crafts. For every person who doesn’t need a hand-knitted toilet roll cover, there’s someone who does.
Capitalize on your expertise. Got a knack for numbers or a way with words? Freelance platforms can connect you to people desperate for your skill set. It’s like matchmaking, but for the workforce.
Sell Stuff You Don’t Need:
This includes your ex’s leftover belongings (with their permission, because we’re not monsters).
Use platforms like eBay and Facebook Marketplace, or hold the most epic garage sale your street has ever seen.
Consign for convenience: If selling online seems like a digital maze, consignment shops can be your guide. They sell your goods, and you get cash without the hassle of postage or haggling.
App it up: Apps like Decluttr or OfferUp can make selling electronics and other items a breeze. They’re like a virtual garage sale, minus the awkward eye contact with neighbors.
Step 4: The Spending Freeze (It’s Not as Bad as It Sounds)
Garage sale
Essentials Only:
If it’s not essential, it stays on the shelf. Sorry, shiny new gadgets, you’re not making the cut.
Audit subscriptions: Go through your subscriptions. That magazine from 2002? It’s time to cancel. Keep only what you truly use.
Use it up: Before buying anything new, use what you have. That half-empty lotion bottle? It’s your new best friend until it’s gone.
DIY Life:
Embrace your inner MacGyver and DIY the hell out of everything. YouTube is your new best friend.
Library of Things: Many libraries offer more than books—they have tools and equipment, too. Before buying, check out what you can borrow.
Repair, don’t replace: When something breaks, research how to fix it before throwing it out. There are repair tutorials for almost everything.
The Art of Scrimping Without Scrimping on Life
Just because you’re saving doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life. Get creative with your entertainment options and discover how much fun, free can be.
Cultivate Cheap Hobbies: Gardening, hiking, or volunteering doesn’t cost much, but they’re rich in experience.
Potluck Dinners: Instead of dining out, host potluck dinners. They’re the social butterflies of budget-friendly living.
The Accountability Buddy System
Find a friend who’s as broke as you or one who’s a frugal ninja. They’ll help you stay on track, and you can return the favor.
Joint Goal Setting: Set shared financial goals with your buddy. It’s easier to stick to a budget when you’re not going it alone.
Challenge each other: Who can save the most this month? Friendly competition can fuel your savings fire.
In the world of ‘who gets the goldfish and who gets the heartache,’ figuring out who’s responsible for debt after divorce is like solving a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded. It’s complicated. Generally, you’re both on the hook for any debts conjured up during the matrimonial magic show. But hey, if we could split debt as easily as we split dinner bills with friends, we’d all be living in La La Land, wouldn’t we? Instead, we’re often shackled by not just the emotional but also the financial remnants of a love gone kaput.
Am I responsible for my husband’s debts if we divorce?
Maybe. If those debts were wracked up during the marriage, like a buy one, get one free deal, you could be looking at a two-for-one special where debt is concerned. Joint accounts? Joint loans? That’s the financial equivalent of ‘for better or for worse.’ But sometimes, if you can prove that his splurges were more frivolous than a peacock at a singles bar, you might just wriggle out of paying for his mid-life crisis on wheels.
In what states are you responsible for your spouse’s debt?
In ‘community property’ states like California and Texas, debts are like family recipes—they get passed down. So if your betrothed borrowed money for anything from a blender to a bulldozer, that could be yours to bear as well. Meanwhile, in ‘equitable distribution’ states, the judge plays financial matchmaker, divvying up debts based on who’s best suited to handle them, which is a polite way of saying who can shoulder the fiscal burden without keeling over.
Should I pay off personal debt before divorce?
As for paying off personal debts before you bid adieu, well, isn’t hindsight a sarcastic little know-it-all? Paying down debts pre-divorce is like cleaning the house before the cleaner comes—it just makes sense. It’s less for you to fight over and one less reason for your soon-to-be ex to haunt your dreams. But if your wallet’s already gasping for air, focus on keeping your head above water. Sometimes you’ve got to play financial triage and stop the bleeding before you can heal.
Gaslighting, a term that’s been thrown around quite a bit lately, is a sinister form of emotional warfare. It’s a strategy that messes with a person’s grasp on reality. Whether it’s through coercive tactics, blatant lies, shifting blame, or undermining one’s memories, the goal is clear: to gain control.
Here at Mom Versus The World, we’re not just about sharing stories; we’re about empowering our readers with knowledge. Let’s dive deep into the shadows of gaslighting, shedding light on its tactics and offering guidance on how to navigate its murky waters.
Gaslighting: The Classic ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’s Origin Story
Ever heard of the 1938 British play Gas Light? No? Well, let me enlighten you (pun intended). Our dear friend Patrick Hamilton penned this gem, which later got the Hollywood treatment not once but twice! The 1944 American version is our main culprit for coining the term ‘gaslighting’. The plot? A sneaky husband dims the gas lights (get it?) to mess with his wife’s head, all while plotting to snatch her riches. Classic, right? It’s like the OG guidebook for narcissists on how to be the worst partner ever. Why? Apparently, making someone question their sanity is a fun pastime for some.
Like ‘Dimming the Lights’ To Change One’s Perception
Gaslighting is like a puppeteer pulling strings, making the victim dance to their tune. It’s a manipulative tactic designed to make the victim question their memories, perceptions, and even their sanity. The end game? To shift the power dynamics in favor of the puppeteer.
While this tactic can be found in various relationships—family, work, or romantic—it’s crucial to remember that it’s not just the domain of narcissists. Anyone can be a victim or a perpetrator.
The Irony of Seeking Autonomy
Isn’t it ironic? The moment I chose to steer my life’s ship, I was branded a “control freak.” But here’s a revelation: seeking control over one’s destiny isn’t about domineering; it’s about claiming a fundamental human right.
Recalling those labels, I’m transported back to times when he tried to fit me into his mold. Remembering his offhand comments about my appearance or his critiques of my body, it’s evident how his words were designed to erode my self-worth. Am I really a “control freak” for wanting some sort of control over my own life, my own decisions, my own destiny, and most importantly, my own body? I think not. Try again, bucko!
5 Types Of Gaslighting Defined
Gaslighting is not a one-size-fits-all tactic. It wears many masks, but here are the five most common faces it presents:
Coercion: manipulating perceptions through threats or force It’s like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, often masking the manipulator’s insecurities.
Example: showering with gifts to divert attention from indiscretions.
Blatant Deception: Telling outright lies to make the victim second-guess their memory
Example: Denying the receipt of an email, even when faced with evidence.
Scapegoating: shifting blame from themselves to another, often vulnerable, party.
Example: A failed project? Blame it on one team member, ignoring all other factors.
Reality questioning: making the victim question their own memories or experiences
Example: “We never had that conversation.” Sound familiar?
Trivializing: diminishing the victim’s feelings or achievements, making them feel their worth is negligible.
Example: “Your academic achievements? They’re not that impressive.”
Gaslighting is a maze where reality and illusion blur. But with awareness and knowledge, one can find their way out. Stay tuned as we delve deeper into personal stories, expert insights, and actionable advice in the upcoming sections.
The Unwanted Makeover: When Gaslighting Gets Personal
When we think of makeovers, we often envision a positive transformation—a new haircut, a revamped wardrobe, or perhaps a fresh coat of paint in a room. But what happens when the makeover isn’t something you asked for? What if it’s thrust upon you by someone else’s unsolicited opinions and critiques?
The Not-So-Subtle Art of Mr. Ex’s Beauty ‘Advice
From the moment we said, “I do,” it seemed like Mr. Ex had a running commentary on my appearance. And trust me, it wasn’t the flattering kind.
Dermatologist Visits: “What am I going to say? Hey Doc, can you fix my wife’s face?'” Irony dripped from his words, making me wonder if I was indeed the monstrous creature he painted me to be.
Body Image: He had a knack for turning fruits into weapons, comparing parts of me to “deflated limes.” It was as if every inch of me was up for scrutiny and ridicule.
Dental: Before we tied the knot, he insisted I fix my teeth so I’d smile more. Little did he realize that his constant jabs were the very reason my smiles were scarce.
Surgery: As I prepared for a 9-hour surgery, he had the audacity to ask if the surgeon could “fix” the extra skin on my arms. His insensitivity was so palpable that the doctor almost reconsidered my surgery.
10 Signs of Gaslighting I Had Glaring Me In The Face
Gaslighting is insidious. It creeps into your psyche, making you question your worth, your memories, and even your sanity. Here are ten signs that you might be a victim:
Over-Sensitivity Accusations: “You’re too sensitive,” he’d say. But was I really exaggerating? Or was he just deflecting his own shortcomings onto me?
The Web of Lies: The lies were constant. But the real tragedy? He believed his own fabrications, even when confronted with evidence.
Projection: For years, he bombarded me with messages about narcissistic personality disorder. The irony? He was describing himself, not me.
Isolation: He turned everyone against me. Friends, family, even strangers—no one was immune to his tales of my supposed insanity.
Doubting Reality: I began to question everything. Was I the villain in our story? Or was he just rewriting our narrative to suit his agenda?
Confusion: He was a master of muddying the waters, confusing not just me, but everyone around us.
Trivializing: Remember the forced intimacy? The endless calls and texts? He made it seem like I was the unreasonable one, that my feelings and boundaries didn’t matter.
Self-Doubt: His words became my inner voice, making me question my worth, my decisions, and my sanity.
Control: From choosing our furniture to dictating my dietary choices, he needed to have the upper hand in everything.
Shattered Confidence: Once a confident woman, his constant belittling left me a shadow of my former self.
Finding My Voice
Despite the relentless gaslighting, I found solace in writing. My blog became my sanctuary, a place where I could share my experiences, connect with others, and reclaim my narrative. It’s a testament to my resilience and a beacon of hope for others navigating the treacherous waters of emotional abuse.
In the end, gaslighting is not just about control; it’s about power. But remember, while they might try to dim your light, your inner strength can never be extinguished.
The Twisted Turn: When Self-Improvement Becomes a Weapon
We often hear that change is good. It signifies growth, evolution, and progress. But what happens when the changes you make for yourself are weaponized against you?
My Journey, His Interpretation
In my quest to find happiness and self-worth, I made several changes to my appearance. But instead of being a source of empowerment, they became ammunition for Mr. Ex’s baseless accusations:
What I Did
His Accusation
I fixed my teeth
“You’re doing it to look good for other men.”
Underwent skin resurfacing
“You just wanted something to complain about.”
Prioritized my well-being
“You’re selfish and controlling.”
I underwent breast and tummy surgery after our two children
“You just did this so you could leave me and slut around.”
The Double Whammy
The real gut punch? After years of enduring his relentless critiques, when I finally took a stand for myself, he played the victim card. With no physical attributes left to criticize, he shifted his focus to my mental state. He painted a picture of me as the “mentally ill” one, projecting his own insecurities and flaws onto me. And in a cruel twist of fate, he sabotaged my career, finances, and credit. The constant barrage of accusations was so overwhelming that I began to question my own sanity. Was I the monster he portrayed me to be? The doubt was so paralyzing that I even returned to him multiple times, partly out of financial necessity and partly because I felt like a mere shadow of my former self.
Reclaiming My Narrative
But here’s the thing: adversity, while painful, is also transformative. It’s the catalyst that propels us to demand better for ourselves. For me, seeking a divorce was about reclaiming my identity and asserting my right to happiness.
Empowerment Tips for Those in Similar Situations:
Recognize the Signs: Understand the tactics of gaslighting and manipulation.
Trust Your Instincts: Always trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.
Seek Support: Build a network of supportive friends, family, and professionals.
Educate yourself: Knowledge truly is power. Familiarize yourself with your rights and available resources.
Take Action: Make choices that prioritize your well-being and happiness.
A Final Word
To anyone reading this, remember: wanting control over your life isn’t a flaw; it’s a testament to your resilience and strength. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to dictate your story but you.
Financial abuse isn’t just an economic issue. It’s an insidious form of violence that seeps into relationships, families, and even courtrooms. Trust me, I’m living this nightmare. Mr. Ex is turning our family court agreement into a tactical map for financial ruin. Do you think Swiss cheese has holes? This topic is like the black hole of social conversations—sucking everything into its dark abyss and leaving nothing behind.
As we speak, Mr. Ex is strategically undermining the court-ordered financial arrangements meant to protect me and my children. He’s not just skimming a few bucks here and there; he’s shaving off entire mortgage payments, month after month, since day one, right after he swore under oath, and he agrees to all terms in the motion he filed. Why? To force my house into auction so he can swoop in like some sort of twisted knight in tarnished armor. It’s not just that he doesn’t want to pay; he wants to ruin me. And the courts? Well, let’s just say they’re taking their sweet time catching up to Mr. Ex’s fraud and manipulation of court processes.
So, before we delve into the complexities of financial abuse, know that this isn’t just theoretical for me. This is my life. Now, let’s rip the cover off this can of worms.
At Mom Versus the World, we’re committed to illuminating the dark corners of experiences that many people endure but seldom discuss. Today, we’re delving deep into the convoluted world of financial abuse—because knowledge is power, and we want to arm you with it.
Financial abuse is not a one-size-fits-all sort of ordeal. It’s often a systematic tactic utilized by one party to control another’s access to financial resources. In layman’s terms? It’s about making someone financially crippled and overly dependent, turning money into a form of shackles rather than a resource.
Common tactics employed:
Controlling Financial Resources: Imagine living on an “allowance” provided by another adult. Ridiculous, right?
Impeding Financial Independence: What’s worse than having no money? Being actively stopped from earning any.
Is it Really Financial Abuse? The Varying Forms
Financial abuse is a master of disguise. It might present itself as a seemingly benign offer to “manage” the household finances. Sometimes, it’s concealed as false generosity or a misguided sense of protective behavior. Let’s break down its many masks.
Examples of financial abuse:
Covert Control
One party dictates how all finances are allocated.
Mr. Ex just did this to me today. While he hasn’t paid support in months, I literally don’t have food or gasoline until the court decides to rule on the enforcement and actually enforce the order. I need medication every month, which I have stretched for the last 2 months. The kids and I finally got state insurance today, but I don’t know how much the copays are. I asked him to at least give me money to get our son his epi-pen and inhaler, but he said, “I’ll go pick it up”. Oh, so you have it? Mr. Ex knows we are literally getting utilities shut off, but you won’t give the money because then I could get it myself and he can’t demean me for asking. That, my friends, is financial abuse.
Forced Dependency
Partner is discouraged from working or furthering education.
Mr. Ex even made sure my credit was destroyed, which was an 800, perfect payment record, before he destroyed my career, that is.
Resource Restriction
Limited access to joint bank accounts or financial information.
It was easier to find Waldo than get a glimpse of our bank statement, but when I finally did, via SUBPEONA, I was able to see that he had been lying for a long time. He was stashing $10K a month every month and telling me he had nothing, but he was doing the best he could.
The mortgage was/is in my name, but the deed was in “ours.” . He used
Sabotaging Employment
Interfering with job opportunities or employment status.
Mr. Ex. would call and text me literally 40 to 50 times a day before I filed for divorce. He wouldn’t stop. I was working in the city and our son has health issues so I couldn’t just block him. He has shown up in the city at my job, consistently had sudden “urgent” matters, always coinciding with my key work moments and has called my boss and my clients on several occasions.
Mr. Ex agreed to an amendment where I dropped $460,000 of his obligation to me in exchange for increasing the court-ordered payment by $200 a week so I could get back on my feet and pay the mortgage. He knew that one missed payment would send this house to auction. That was in May. He hasn’t made a single correct payment since. He also stopped making payments three months ago, was arrested for it three weeks ago, and was ordered to pay a lump sum plus reinstate required payments. CRICKETS…. NADA! Guess what? He let it slip that he planned to buy the house at auction. So this man thinks he can deliberately make me default so it goes to auction, and then I buy my hose at auction. WOW, the balls on this guy. He doesn’t read his agreements very well; even if he did pull that off, there is a clause in our amendment that if he purchases anything over $10K, it’s mine. I seize it to pay his back support. But honestly, should any human being have to go through this crap? Why am I not allowed to move on?
Withholding Basic Necessities
Refusing to provide or limiting basic necessities like food, clothing, or medical care
My essentials were always on the “forgot to buy” list. In the past 3 months, we have been without food or toilet paper on several occasions. I think you get the point.
The Gendered Lens: Women as Frequent Victims
You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to realize that women often bear the brunt of financial abuse. The dynamics of societal norms and expectations add layers of vulnerability.
Stats Speak:
Women with disabilities face a heightened risk, often falling through the cracks of social support.
Working women: Contrary to popular belief, earning an income doesn’t automatically provide immunity.
Elder Abuse: The Silent Epidemic
If you thought only romantic relationships were plagued by financial abuse, think again. Older individuals frequently face this form of exploitation, mostly perpetrated by their own adult children. It’s an uncomfortable topic, but we’re not here to tiptoe around the elephant in the room.
Forms of Elder Financial Abuse:
Exploitation of Power of Attorney: This isn’t what they meant when they said, “Power corrupts.”
Sudden Fund Transfers: A red flag that’s as crimson as they come.
Real-Life Confessions: Our Stories
Speaking from personal experience, the wounds financial abuse leaves aren’t visible but they scar you for life. I endured this for years, unable to discuss it openly. It’s a shared narrative for many, but it’s time to break the silence.
Identifying Warning Signs
In a world where caution is often thrown to the wind, it’s crucial to be vigilant. Here are some red flags that could indicate financial abuse:
The aftermath of financial abuse seeps into various facets of life. From mental health challenges to social isolation, the effects are far-reaching and multidimensional.
The Effects Include:
Social Isolation: Financially strapped individuals often find it hard to socialize or even meet basic needs.
Barriers to Escaping Abuse: Lack of financial resources becomes the golden handcuffs that keep people trapped.
How to Seek Help
Recovering from financial abuse is like undoing a giant knot; it’s complicated but not impossible. The first step is recognizing the problem. The second is to actively seek help, whether it’s legal, social, or financial support.
Steps for Recovery:
Educate yourself: read up, consult professionals, and know your rights.
Document Abuse: Keep all evidence—texts, emails, or any other form of correspondence.
Seek Legal Advice: There are low-cost and pro bono legal services available. Trust me, I’ve been down this road.
Affiliate Opportunity: If you’re interested in learning more, check out this e-book that delves into the intricacies of financial abuse and offers a step-by-step guide to recovery. I wish I had something like this years ago.
The Bottom Line
Financial abuse is a pervasive issue that’s easier to overlook than you think. But the more we talk about it, the more we can arm ourselves and others with the tools to combat it.
Life may throw us curveballs, but at Mom Versus the World, we don’t just duck—we hit back. If you found this article helpful, consider sharing it and check out related articles and resources to arm yourself with the knowledge you need. The more you know, the less you’re vulnerable.
So, what are your thoughts? Have you experienced financial abuse? Let’s break the silence.
Greetings! The holiday season is a period of twinkling lights decorating every home and Christmas carols becoming the background music of your existence. But what if the jolly man in red, the embodiment of holiday joy, lands on your naughty list? I’m not referring to him forgetting your coveted designer purse. What if Santa, or someone playing a Santa-like role in your life, crosses a line so severe that legal intervention becomes necessary? Yes, we’re delving into the uncomfortable yet very real subject of restraining orders during the holiday season.
Why ‘Santa’ Might Land on the Naughty List: Emotional Baggage Heavier Than His Sleigh
Let’s not sugarcoat things. The North Pole isn’t a paradise free from problems. It might just be a metaphor for that ex-partner who doesn’t understand boundaries. You know, the one who interprets “restraining order” as “playing hard to get.” So, how do you navigate a Christmas that’s more complex than your relationship status on Facebook?
Legal Ho-Ho-Holdups: Navigating the Yuletide Terrain
Navigating the legal maze during the holidays is akin to trying to put together a 1,000-piece puzzle while a toddler pulls at your leg. It’s clumsy and exasperating, and no one prepares you for it. Last year, my ex was arrested for the 3rd bench warrant in 4 months for non-payment of 2 lump sums ordered after 3 years of battling for it. Because it was a few days before Christmas, the judge let him off with no evidence at all and refused to review mine, and he reduced the $30,000 lump sum due down to $10,000. This broke just about every rule in the book, including my constitutional right to due process and totally screwed me out of two negotiated credit card lawsuits, which are now liens on my house for six times what I could have paid them off for. Merry F’ing Christmas to you too, Your Honor?
So, how do you serve Santa, or someone who thinks they’re Santa, with a restraining order without ruining Christmas for everyone?
Steps to Take:
Consult a Legal Advisor: Before you go all “Judge Judy,” consult a legal advisor to understand your rights and responsibilities. Even if you can’t afford one, like me, talk to them. Treat your free consultation like a free trial and squeeze every bit you possibly can out of it. I earned myself a reputation around here after 5 years of this BS, so I have to go pretty far for a divorce lawyer to take a meeting with me. Just make sure you come prepared and know what you are going to ask them. They say you have 30 minutes, but if you make it obvious, you may only get 15. Ask wisely.
Notify Local Authorities: If your ‘Santa’ is known for making unannounced visits, it’s best to keep the local police in the loop.
Talk to Your Kids: This is a tricky one. You don’t want to scare them, but they need to know that Santa won’t be coming down the chimney this year—and it’s not their fault. This is honestly the worst part, especially when Santa makes it seem as if Mom is doing this out of spite. I’m sorry, I have no solid tips here for you, but if you figure one out, DM me. I’m always open to hearing what works.
DIY-ing Your Way Through the Holidays
DIY “Santa-Free Zone” Signage
Before you go all bah-humbug on me, that is not what I am suggesting. I happen to love Christmas (if you couldn’t figure that one out on your own) but I find that making fun of a crappy situation usually makes it feel less crappy, like this crappy funny blog. So this year, let’s turn this into a learning experience for the kids. Grab some craft supplies and create a “Santa-Free Zone” sign. It’s educational, therapeutic, cathartic, and gives you a chance to bond with your children.
Holiday Mood Boards Minus the Big Guy
Who says Christmas is all about Santa? Create mood boards that focus on other aspects of the holiday—like family, friends, and the joy of giving. This is a great way to shift the focus and still keep the holiday spirit alive.
The Best Christmas Movies for a Santa-Free Holiday
Let’s face it, sometimes the best way to escape reality is to dive into a fictional world where problems are solved in 90 minutes or less. And what better way to do that than with a Christmas movie marathon? But since we’re avoiding Santa this year, let’s focus on films that don’t revolve around the jolly old man.
Why “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” is a Must-Watch
If you’re looking for a Santa-free Christmas movie that captures the essence of family chaos, look no further than “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” This film is a masterpiece in showcasing the raw, awkward, and downright hilarious moments that come with family gatherings. Remember the scene where Clark Griswold kicks the Santa lawn ornament after his boss cheats him out of his Christmas bonus? It’s a moment that resonates with anyone who’s ever felt the pressure of making the holidays perfect, only to have it all blow up in their face. But don’t worry; like most Christmas movies, it all works out in the end.
Other Santa-Free Christmas Movies to Consider
Movie Title
Why It’s Great
Where to Stream
“Die Hard”
Because sometimes you need action with your holiday cheer
Hulu
“Love Actually”
For the romantics who believe love conquers all—even during Christmas
Netflix
“The Holiday”
A tale of two women swapping lives and finding love and self-discovery
Amazon Prime
The Best Christmas Gift: Protecting You and Your Family
Now, let’s talk about something far more serious—domestic violence. The holidays can be a triggering time for many, and sometimes the best Christmas gift you can give yourself and your family is the gift of safety. I remember the overwhelming sense of peace that washed over me when I first got a restraining order against my ex. He used to harass us day in and day out, and the emotional toll it took was unbearable. I’d often take out my frustrations on the kids, and that’s no way to live.
Taking that step to protect my family was like lifting a ten-ton weight off my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have to look over my shoulder. I could just be present with my children, especially during Christmas, which is arguably the most important time to be fully present and engaged with your loved ones.
Resources for Those in Need
If you’re in a similar situation, know that help is available. Here are some resources that can assist you:
Womens’ Shelters: Many cities have shelters specifically for victims of domestic violence.
Legal Aid: Free legal services are available to help you navigate the restraining order process.
180 Turnaround:NJ-based domestic violence resource, which I have personally had a phenomenal experience with. They have therapy, children’s therapy, shelters, free legal service funding up to $10,000 per domestic violence incident… and more. This is an invaluable resource in the state of New Jersey, and I do say that from first-hand experience.
If you need immediate help, if you feel as if you may be in danger, or if your children may be put at risk, call 911! Please do not take this lightly. I know I joke around a lot on this blog, mainly because I deflect to reduce my pain and depression as I try to dig out of my mess, but there is help out there if you are a victim of any type of domestic violence. Call the police anytime, for any reason. If you are scared, call.
Conclusion
Navigating a Santa-free Christmas can be a challenge, but it’s also an opportunity to focus on what truly matters—your well-being and the happiness of your loved ones. Whether you’re diving into a Christmas movie that doesn’t feature Santa or taking serious steps to protect your family, remember that the best Christmas is one where you’re safe, loved, and at peace.
Disclaimer: In case we’ve never met, hi, I’m DubG. Now, before you start thinking I’m some kind of courtroom wizard, let’s clear the air: I’m not a lawyer. I’m just a pro-se warrior who’s battled in the legal arena without a law degree. After three attorneys, $300,000 in debt, and a process that took five years, I ended up representing myself in my divorce for my entire nine-day trial (which spanned nine months) due to complete exhaustion of funds, patience, and sanity. What you’ll read here is all from my own playbook—lessons learned, mistakes made, and a whole lot of BS navigated. But remember, I’m not giving legal advice; I’m just sharing my own twisted journey through the legal system.
Are you going through a divorce with someone who seems to have a secret playbook on divorce delay tactics to torture you and rob you blind? This is DubG, and I’ve been through the wringer, but I’m still here to share my experiences, insights, and a healthy dose of hilarity to help you through your journey.Let’s start with a little story. Picture this: a bright, sunny day, a perfect day for a picnic. But instead of enjoying the sunshine, I found myself in a stuffy courtroom, my heart pounding like a drum as I waited for my turn to speak. I was representing myself in my divorce trial, a process that had dragged on for five long years. I had hired three attorneys, each promising to be my knight in shining armor, only to leave me bankrupt and more confused than ever.I was a single mom, juggling the demands of raising two kids while trying to navigate the legal labyrinth of divorce. My credit score had plummeted from a healthy 800+ to a dismal 500’s. I was broke, jobless, and on the brink of despair. But I refused to give up. I decided to take control of my situation and represent myself in court. It was a grueling process—a nine-day trial spread over nine months—but I emerged victorious, stronger, and more resilient than ever.Why am I sharing this with you? Because I want you to know that you’re not alone. Divorce can be a daunting process, especially when you’re dealing with a spouse who’s intentionally delaying the process. It’s like being stuck in a never-ending loop of frustration and despair. But don’t worry; I’ve got your back.This blog post is dedicated to all the single moms out there who are battling the divorce delay tactics of their spouses. I’ll be sharing my insights on understanding the divorce process, the reasons behind divorce delays, common delay tactics, and strategies to counter these tactics. So buckle up, ladies. It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I promise you, it’s worth it.
Understanding the Divorce Process
Let’s dive into the murky waters of the divorce process. It’s like trying to assemble a piece of IKEA furniture without the instructions—confusing, frustrating, and full of weird terms that make no sense. But don’t worry; I’m here to be your guide and your instruction manual, if you will.Navigating the Divorce Maze (And Not Losing Your Mind)Think of divorce as the inverse of Monopoly; instead of buying properties, you’re trying to split them, and instead of going to jail, you’re… well, at least I’m not going to jail. Here is a short version of the step-by-step divorce process, so you can envision your near future.
Filing the Petition: So, you’ve decided to get a divorce. First step? File a Petition for Divorce and serve your soon-to-be-ex the papers. It sounds like a piece of cake, right? Oh, honey, if only. I tried to serve my ex six times. Twice, he literally slammed the door in the face of the process server. I mean, come on! Who does that? After all that drama, we had to get creative. We got permission from the judge to send the papers via certified and regular mail. But here’s the kicker: We had to prove he lived at the address first. Thanks to a police report (and a very helpful officer), we managed to do just that.
The Waiting Game: If your spouse is a reasonable human being and agrees to the divorce and its terms, you’re golden. But if they’re anything like my ex, brace yourself. If they ignore the papers, you’ll have to file for a default divorce. For me, this took ages. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, COVID-19 hit, and the courts shut down. And when did they finally reopen? My ex waltzed in, attorney-less, and got a continuance. Classic.
The “Prove It” Phase: So, your ex contests the divorce. Now what? You roll up your sleeves and dive into the world of “Discovery.” This is where you request all sorts of financial documents and start sifting through the evidence. Expect a barrage of interrogatories (fancy word for written questions) that need to be answered under oath. And if you think that’s fun, wait till you get to the depositions. If you suspect your ex is hiding money or being shady with their finances, you can request a forensic accountant. I did. My ex claimed he made $69k a year. Spoiler: He made it closer to $260k. But here’s the catch: a forensic accountant can cost a small fortune. And guess what? My ex dragged his feet for five years and never complied with any part of the discovery process.
If they or you have a cash business or questionable business ethics, a forensic accountant can be requested with reason. My side requested this and proved why we needed it with his verbal statement of how much he makes being completely inaccurate simply based on basic math. He said he made about 1/5 of what he actually made that year and it was pretty easy to prove simply by pulling my own cash deposits from the last few years because he gave me money and I paid all the bills. Yes, I made my own too, a good amount at that time; however, none of it was ever cash. However, a forensic examination costs about $30–$50k. This was the only way we were going to find out how much he actually made and the judge ordered him to pay the retainer because he had already delayed the case for almost 2 years at that point. Well, he went another 3 after that too, without ever hiring one, delaying the case for 5 years, and ultimately never complying with a single court order or with any part of Discovery.
I don’t mean to scare you; I just want to make you more aware of what could happen. But my story is like a worst-case scenario and probably won’t happen to you. That kind of crap only happens to me.
Divorce Court Delays
What the heck is a ‘Mandatory Waiting Period’?
Most states have this built-in waiting period during the divorce process. Think of it as the universe’s way of putting you in a time-out corner to think about what you’ve done. Or, for the romantics among us, it’s like that dramatic pause in movies where the music swells and the protagonist wonders if they’re making the right choice. Spoiler: they usually are. This waiting period can range from 30 to 90 days. And let me tell you, it feels like the longest halftime show ever, minus the entertaining commercials and wardrobe malfunctions. Even if you and your soon-to-be ex are both shouting, “Let’s get on with it!” from the rooftops, the law says, “Hold your horses, Romeo and Juliet.”
How long does a divorce take?
Now, onto the million-dollar question: How long can a divorce take? Well, my darlings, it’s a bit like asking how long a piece of string is. Or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. But here’s what I can tell you: The duration of a divorce depends on a few things:
Cooperation (or lack thereof): If both parties are reasonable and want to wrap things up quickly, you’re golden. But if one of you decides to channel their inner toddler and throw a tantrum, well, strap in. It’s going to be a long ride.
Complexity: Are you dividing a spoon collection or a multi-million-dollar estate? Do you have kids? Pets? A shared Netflix account? The more there is to hash out, the longer it’ll take.
The Court’s Dance Card: Courts are like that popular kid in school—everyone wants their attention. If they’re swamped, you’re going to be waiting in line.
Attorneys: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: A good attorney can speed things up, while a not-so-great one can make it feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending episode of a legal drama.
Intentionally Delaying Divorce Tactics: The Art Of The Drag
Alright, my divorce aficionados, let’s dive into the deep end of the pool. Ever wondered why some divorces seem to last longer than a season of “The Bachelor”? Well, it’s not always because the couple is holding out for a dramatic rose ceremony. Here are the top reasons why divorces can feel like they’re moving at the pace of a snail… on vacation.
Denial: The “Maybe They’ll Come Back” Fantasy: Ah, good ol’ denial. It’s that pesky stage where one party thinks, “If I just avoid signing these papers, maybe they’ll come running back into my arms.” Spoiler alert: They usually don’t. But hey, who hasn’t watched a rom-com and thought, “Maybe that could be us!”? Reality check: life isn’t a movie, and holding onto hope can sometimes just prolong the inevitable. Keep a watchful eye because your spouse could be delaying the divorce if they have these symptoms.
Vindictiveness: “I’ll show them!” Strategy: Then there’s the revenge-seeker. You know, the one who’s watched “Kill Bill” one too many times and thinks, “I’m going to make them suffer!” They use the divorce process like a kid uses a magnifying glass on ants—to inflict pain. It’s not pretty, and it’s not mature, but boy, does it drag things out. So, you know, there is case law all around the country proving this behavior to be a form of domestic violence. This is also usually matched with non-compliance with support orders to financially deprive This was a big one for us. He did, in fact, do both, while the courts sat idly by. I will say that I filed several motions about this, but my county has never, ever written a contempt or prosecuted someone on this basis. Why, I don’t know, especially considering the case law and my own state. I know with certainty that the appellate court would have, but filing an appeal is a whole lot more expensive than filing a motion, which no one tells you. I’ll leave that for another post.
Financial Hide-and-Seek: Crypto is the New Black: Money, money, money. It’s a rich man’s world, and in the world of divorce, it’s also a sneaky man’s world. Some spouses turn into financial houdinis, making assets disappear faster than you can say “pre-nup.” From gifting Aunt Gertrude that “family heirloom” to racking up “debts” faster than a shopaholic in a sale, these financial gymnastics can really slow things down. This is exactly what happened to me. I proved it. He was ordered to pay me a lump sum, got arrested on a warrant when he didn’t, twice, and another judge who never saw the evidence stripped me of my rights as a litigant, which he broke court rules by doing, but again, I could not afford to file an appeal. Can you say negligence of duty? Yeah…. My ex poured $10k a month into crypto and claimed it disappeared, and the judge took him on his word, regardless of the fact that at that time, he was lying to the court, saying he was broke and couldn’t afford support, which is what I proved he could. So, why did they believe his word yet ignore the actual evidence when their sole oath is to make decisions based of the evidence? You’ve got me. If you’re a lawyer, call me up and give me the lowdown, or just confirm my theory that they hate women, because that is what I went with. Or maybe it’s just me.
Fear of the Unknown: “How Will I Survive?” Worry: Divorce isn’t just about breaking hearts; it’s about breaking banks. The fear of going solo, financially speaking, can be paralyzing. Some folks drag their feet, not out of spite but out of genuine fear of facing the big, bad world with half their assets (or less).
The Parent Trap: The “Not Without My Kids” Battle And then there’s the mother (or father) of all battles: custody disputes. When kiddos are in the mix, things can go from zero to “Jerry Springer” real quick. Parents can become lions protecting their cubs, leading to drawn-out, emotional, and often painful custody wars. I will say, this is one thing neither of us contested. I believe he’s a good father and kids need their father. He just really, really sucks at the husband part.
Dirty Delay Tactics In Divorce
Alright, my fellow divorce gladiators, let’s dive into the underbelly of the beast. Ever wondered why some divorces feel like they’re sponsored by molasses? Well, it’s not because the universe hates you (though it might feel that way). It’s because some folks have a playbook of delay tactics that would make even a sloth say, “Hurry up!” Let’s break down these sneaky moves.
Discovery as a Weapon: Imagine asking for a glass of water and getting the entire ocean. That’s what misusing the discovery process feels like. It’s a barrage of irrelevant, excessive demands for documents and information, just to drown you in paperwork. It’s less about finding the truth and more about playing a never-ending game of fetch. Asking for a ton of documents that are irrelevant or providing a ton of documents that are irrelevant has the same effect on time and money, because time is money.
The “Not Today” Continuance: Ah, the classic continuance request. It’s the courtroom’s version of “I can’t; I have to wash my hair.” A sneaky way to hit pause on proceedings, often with the flimsiest of excuses If procrastination were an Olympic sport, this move would take gold. You wouldn’t believe some of the crap my ex’s lawyer pulled. But she also sent an average of five letters to the judge a day. At about $500 a pop, he could have paid the support he owed each month about 30 times over, but instead he paid zip.
The Promise Breaker: Ok, this one… My Story…Jesus. My ex promised the judge 26 different times, and the judge wrote 26 different orders, written Orders of the Court, on top of the one a different judge originally wrote requiring my ex to retain a forensic accountant. 26 different “One Last Chance” that he gave my ex, never granting the motions to compel or charge my ex with contempt, nothing. Yeah, that was his longest-running tactic—over 40 different hearings, but 26 different written orders reiterating the exact same thing. It was truly unbelievable that a judge could be that biased toward him. It was pretty clear that he either hated women or hated me.
False Allegations: Throwing around false allegations is like tossing grenades in a game of dodgeball. It’s unexpected, explosive, and can derail everything. Whether it’s to gain an upper hand in custody battles or financial disputes, it’s a low move that requires time to debunk. My ex tried to claim I am a drug addict and kept repeating it, even though I had three different evaluations and numerous voluntary drug tests. All of it was completely unfounded, not true at all, to any degree. I do not do drugs and proved it, but it did not matter. I filed a motion to issue a gag order due to defamation of character. You know, the judge actually said to me, “Well, Mrs. Green, he really believes it.” My jaw dropped to the floor as I responded, “I don’t care if he really believes it. He is delusional or lying under oath. I proved he was wrongfully accusing me in a court of law several times and that makes it defamation.” He denied the motion. Seriously, he denied the motion. He hated women, or maybe it was just me.
The Financial Inquisition: Demanding detailed financial records is like asking for your life story when all you said was “hello.” It’s invasive, exhaustive, and designed to slow things down to a crawl.
The “Maybe Later” Strategy: Ever tried herding cats? That’s what it feels like when they’re constantly rescheduling meetings and refusing to sign off on documents. Just when you think you’re making progress, they’re off chasing another metaphorical laser pointer. We didn’t get to this point until after the final judgment, when he needed something changed. So not his strategy, but I wish I had thought of that.
The Attorney Merry-Go-Round: Switching attorneys more often than socks and giving the silent treatment? Classic. Now I did, in fact, switch attorneys, but not to delay it. I fired my first because he was collaborative and wouldn’t file on my behalf; I fired my second because I couldn’t afford to do anything anymore because of COVID delays. I hired my third through the victims compensation fund, but that ran out super duper quick because of a tactic my ex’s attorney used to run the billable hours up super quick by having to respond to numerous ridiculous false allegations. It worked. I paid him as long as I could, but I still owe him around $50,000, I think. I had to fire him. I had to feed my kids, but I still struggle to do so to this very day because of all of this.
The “See No Evil, Hear No Evil” Approach: Mr. Ex mastered this one. Ignoring discovery requests is the adult equivalent of sticking fingers in your ears and yelling, “I can’t hear you!” It’s maddening, childish, and oh-so-effective at causing delays. But the judge ate his empty apologies up without sanctions, ultimately never complying with any of them. EVER
The Mediation Mic Drop: Abruptly ending mediation sessions is like walking out of a movie because you don’t like the popcorn. It’s dramatic, unnecessary, and ensures nothing gets resolved. However, I actually did this. What the other side was offering was insane. They purposely put hundred’s of thousands of dollars in debt. He purposely destroyed my career and my credit. NO FRIGGIN WAY. Nothing was getting resolved either way when he hadn’t complied with any Discovery and was trying to walk away with $200 a month in support and half the house. Fudge a popsicle up your tootle, Mr. Ex!
The “Rain Check” on Mediation: And then there’s the tactic of canceling mediation and settlement conferences. It’s the “Sorry, I can’t come to your party” of the divorce world. Except the party is mandatory, and everyone’s waiting. We went twice. I walked out twice (well, hung the phone up; it was Covid)
Legal Delays and Complexities
Ok, people, let’s get into the legal side of things. This is where the divorce process can start to feel like you’re trying to solve a Rubik’s cube while blindfolded and that you just smoked a doobie for the first time in ten years (I’m a moron when I smoke pot now). It’s complex, it’s confusing, and it’s full of legal jargon that can make your head spin. But don’t worry; I’m here to break it down for you. First off, let’s talk about the legal complexities of divorce. It’s like trying to untangle a giant ball of spaghetti. This is where things like property division, spousal support, child custody, and child support come into play. Each of these issues requires a detailed understanding of the law and can involve complex calculations and negotiations. And just when you think you’ve got a handle on one strand, another one pops up to confuse you.
Property: For example, dividing marital property isn’t as simple as splitting everything 50/50. Depending on your state, the statute will define property division either as “marital,” which is 50/50 and fairly easy, or “equitable,”, which actually doesn’t mean equal; it means what is “fair” and determining what is fair in a “no fault” divorce, with zero discovery disclosed by the defendant. Well, now you see why my case took five years, and I’m still pissed off. The judge has to consider things like the value of the property (which wasn’t disclosed; mine was, his wasn’t), any debts associated with it (mine was, his wasn’t), and whether it’s considered marital or separate property (that was tricky too, because he formed his partnership 2 years after we were married, plus he got his business out of bankruptcy using my personal credit cards 4 years before we were married and 3 years after). Complicated as flibbertigibbet, right? And that’s just one aspect of the divorce process.
The Game Changers: Kids (But They Aren’t The Pawn) When kids enter the divorce arena, things can go from complicated to “Game of Thrones”-level drama. It’s not just about who gets the kids on weekends. It’s a multi-layered puzzle that considers the kids’ ages, their bonds with each parent, financial situations, and so much more. It’s a high-stakes game where the prize is the well-being of your little ones.
The Devil’s in the Details In the world of divorce, dotting your i’s and crossing your t’s is crucial. One misstep can have consequences that range from an unfair settlement to legal penalties. For instance, “forgetting” to disclose that secret Swiss bank account? That’s a no-no that can land you in hot water. It’s like playing Jenga; one wrong move can not only delay your divorce, but it could make everything come crashing down.
The Counter-Attack: Strategies to Beat Delay Tactics
This is one of those moments of reflection in my life, the one where you say, “If I had known then, what do I know now?” So if you are still reading this long-ass post, you’re about to be rewarded with the magic potion to conquer and destroy your enemy! It’s time to fight back.You’ve been patient; you’ve played by the rules, but the delays just keep coming, like trying to run through quicksand or scream in a dream, but you have no voice (those dreams scare the crap out of me). But don’t despair; there are strategies you can use to counter these delay tactics and get your divorce back on track. Delays like this are constantly forcing you to file motions, but this strategy could actually make that work in your favor. However, please be sure to consult with an attorney, but if you cannot afford one, like I couldn’t, this is only how I would do it if I could redo it today and this is not legal advice. I am not, nor ever was, an attorney in any state.
Obtaining a Final Hearing Date:First up, obtaining a final hearing date This is like setting the finish line in a race. Once you have a final hearing date, it creates a sense of urgency and gives you a clear goal to work towards. It’s not a magic bullet, but it can help keep things moving.
Obtaining a Scheduling Order from the Court: Next, obtain a scheduling order from the court. This is like getting a roadmap for your divorce. It sets out deadlines for each stage of the process, which can help prevent delays and keep things on track. It’s like having a GPS for your divorce journey.
Requesting Court-Ordered Mediation: Ironically, one of the most valuable lessons I learned is that judges do not like to make decisions, especially in civil or family court. The reason? Because one side will always get the short end of the straw and they have a high chance of appealing, if a high number of their decisions are overturned, they’re not going to be a judge for very long… and then what? Becoming a judge is what they worked for, so their career is pretty much over after that. Requesting court-ordered mediation is another effective strategy, even if you walk out, because it says to the judge, Look, I want to end this. At least put me on the calendar and let’s see if I can use that to negotiate a settlement agreement, which means they don’t have to do their job. Mediation, more so when you have leverage, can help you and your spouse find ‘common ground’ and resolve issues without the need for lengthy court battles. But if not, now you’ve used the request for another mediation to move your case forward.
Call Fouls: Requesting Sanctions for Ignoring Deadlines or Court Orders Remember, what I would do is put all of these requests into a single motion, including requesting sanctions for the opposition for ignoring deadlines and/or court orders. This is like calling a foul in a basketball game. If your spouse is deliberately delaying the process, you can ask the court to impose sanctions. This could be anything from fines to a judgment in your favor on certain issues. I did in fact request this numerous times, but never in the witches brew-like combination that I have shared with you today. You’re welcome
Conclusion
So there you have it. We’ve navigated the twists and turns of the divorce process, explored the dark corners of delay tactics, and armed ourselves with strategies to fight back. It’s been a journey, but remember, every journey has an end, and every end is a new beginning.
A Personal Message From DubG
If you’re going through a divorce, I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s a tough journey, but you’re tougher. You have the strength and resilience to navigate this process and come out the other side stronger and wiser. Remember, it’s not about winning or losing; it’s about finding a resolution that allows you to move forward and start a new chapter in your life.With that said, this was by far the most difficult time of my life. Regardless of whether you are representing yourself like you had to in the end or not, it’s hard. But there is in fact another level, challenging your will to keep going in so many ways, when you have to manage every part of the duty and try to understand the law without emotion getting in the way. I know how alone I felt, often losing it like a 3-year-old having a meltdown on my kitchen floor, in my car at the gym and even in the middle of Shoprite, but I had to get out of their quick or I was going to end up being removed in a literal strait jacket. I wish I were kidding. #noshame #divorcesucks So, I genuinely want to extend an invitation for you to reach out to me personally for support, an ear, or a non-professional review of your paperwork, but as a friend, because again, I AM NOT A LAWYER. Divorce, especially Pro Se Divorce can be a lonely journey, but it doesn’t have to be. There are people, or at least one person, who cares, gets it, and wants to help. Follow, connect, or subscribe to your preferred social media, then DM me (or just hit up all of them with the same message so I see it).Until then, you’ve got this, my friend. You do. But if you don’t and lose your mind in Shoprite like The Exorcist, run. -DubG
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