Ex Parte: How Secret Conversations Could Severely Affect Your Divorce Case

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I have been on both sides of the ex parte coin. As a pro se litigant whose divorce has been dragging on for years, no one would enforce my support order due to the COVID-19 “Executive Order (we will get to the debate on the legalities of this mound of BS later) and endless adjournments, continuances, and (I heard the judge quote this number today, and even I was surprised) 28 written orders, none of which my ex complied with. My instinct was to beg and plead with the court staff to help me. Spoiler alert: this did not help me. In addition to the times I was unfortunately reprimanded for inappropriate communications, I have also filed numerous “emergent applications,” of which, out of at least 4–5, only 1 was partially ruled on. Ironically, the one I filed 2 weeks before our health insurance was cancelled  in a pandemic, the judge kicked it out because it was financial, but 6 months after it was cancelled, after I racked up about $30,000 in medical bills due to no insurance in a pandemic, suddenly, that was acceptable. Wait… what?  I digress…

In this labyrinth called divorce, you stumble upon strange corners filled with legal terms that sound like Latin spells from Harry Potter. Today, we’re demystifying one such magical phrase: ex parte. This term is a chameleon, changing its implications depending on the context. So let’s dissect this beast and find out how it can affect you in the world of supposed legal disclosure.

NOTE: If you don’t read the whole post, I get it. BUT if you really are pro se, scroll down to the bold letters in the APPEAL section. You should know this going in. However, as always, most of my content is about NJ and my personal experience and that experience is not LEGAL ADVICE. I am not a lawyer and I am not pretending to know my way around as if I were. The purpose of my content is to share my first-hand experience navigating the legal system as a pro se divorce litigant, including where I succeeded (which was rare) and where I failed, as well as what I didn’t know then, which is why I failed. Get it? 

The Multiple Personalities Of Ex Parte Definitions

The term “ex parte” wears many hats, and its meaning varies depending on where it’s used.

Legal Ethics

In the realm of legal ethics, ex parte is like that frenemy who talks about you behind your back. Specifically, it refers to any improper contact between a lawyer and a judge or an opposing party that happens without the other party’s knowledge or consent. Breaking this ethical rule can lead to a messy pot of trouble for the lawyer involved.

Civil Procedure

In civil procedure, ex parte becomes your frenzied friend who jumps the gun. It describes motions for orders that are so urgent; they can’t wait for a response from the other side. Think temporary restraining orders, or in my case, motions that keep my ex from liquidating our joint assets while we figure out who gets what.

Keywords: Civil Procedure, Ex Parte Order, Ex Parte Motion


Ah, the ex parte hearing, the courtroom version of a one-sided conversation. This is a hearing where only one party is present, and because of this, a high degree of candor is expected. In other words, you have to be extra honest, making full and fair disclosures, even if they don’t favor your case. Why? Because the other party isn’t there to call you out on your BS.

Keywords: Ex Parte Hearing, Disclosure, Full and Fair Disclosure

The Temporary Tags of the Legal World

These types of proceedings are usually placeholders. They are temporary orders designed to handle immediate issues. Think of them as the fast food of the legal system—quick solutions until a full-blown hearing can offer a more balanced, nutritious resolution. These could range from temporary custody arrangements to emergency requests for a continuance.

What does transparency mean in legal terms?Legal maze

In the same way that you wouldn’t want your teenager to be secretive about where they’re going on a Saturday night, you don’t want the courtroom to be a venue for private, undisclosed chats. Legal transparency is all about open, clear, and publicly disclosed proceedings. It ensures that everyone gets a fair shot and minimizes the chances of dirty laundry being hidden away in a judge’s chamber.

It’s not just about keeping things ethical; it’s about ensuring a fair trial. You’re not on a reality show; you’re in a legal process that will significantly affect your life. And let’s be honest, most of us don’t have a law degree hanging on our wall. We’re relying on the system to not screw us over.

The Pitfalls of Undisclosed Communications

Alright, let’s talk about the 500-pound gorilla in the room: ex parte communications. No, it’s not a Latin dance; it’s the legal term for when one party talks privately with the judge without the other party present. Sounds unfair, right? Well, it is, and it’s also more common than you’d think.

In my own journey through the legal jungle, I had the “pleasure” of experiencing this firsthand. While I was busy jotting down notes and planning my next move, my ex was busy having hushed conversations with the judge. I felt like I was in a real-life episode of a courtroom drama, only there was no script, and the stakes were my life.

You see, these conversations can influence decisions, from alimony to custody, and if you’re not privy to them, you’re playing at a disadvantage. And in a divorce case, the last thing you need is another disadvantage.

How to Protect Yourself from the Ambiguities of Non-Transparency

So, you’re probably wondering, what can you actually do if you find yourself outmaneuvered by these secretive, one-sided ex-parte conversations? Trust me, you’re not alone. Here are some steps:

  1. Documentation: Keep records of all interactions and filed motions. This will help in proving the extent of any ex parte communications if they ever come into question. Keywords: documentation, filed motions
  2. Legal consultation: Although you might be going the pro-se route like I did, it doesn’t hurt to get some professional advice. Consult with an attorney or use an online service for targeted questions. Keywords: pro se, legal consultation, attorney
  3. Be proactive: File your own motions if you sense that something shady is happening. The court can’t ignore documented requests. Keywords: proactive, filed motions, ex parte motions
  4. Seek transparency: Always insist on open hearings and question any proceedings that seem to bypass this norm. It’s your right. Keywords: open hearings, legal transparency, ex parte meaning in law

Why You Should Care

Okay, so why should you care about some Latin term that lawyers and judges throw around like confetti? Because your life could be flipped upside down by a judge’s scribble on a piece of paper, that’s why.

If you’re like me, dealing with an ex who treats court orders like mere suggestions, you need to know the ins and outs of how ex parte can affect you. Understanding these rules could be the difference between walking away with a fair settlement and having the wool pulled over your eyes.

Your Right to Appeal—Because Everyone Deserves a Mulligan

Life isn’t a game of chess; you don’t always get a do-over. But the legal system? It comes with an “undo” button known as the appeal process. Now, hitting this button isn’t a guarantee that you’ll get a different result. In fact, it’s a painstakingly bureaucratic maze that might make you want to pull your hair out. But sometimes, especially in messy divorce cases, it’s a route you may need to consider.

When You Should Consider Appealing

Given the complexity, stress, and costs involved, appealing shouldn’t be your go-to solution for any minor disagreement. It’s the Hail Mary of legal moves. In my case, after a circus of dodged court orders and surprise revelations, the appeal became a serious consideration. But it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and the stakes are as high as ever.

So, when should you consider it? When a significant error has been made, one that changes the whole outcome of the case. If you genuinely believe that the court made an error in understanding or applying the law, then, by all means, pull out that appeal card.

The Appeal Process: Not for the Faint of Heart

Alright, you lost a round in court, and you’re clutching your pearls, thinking, “How the hell did that happen?” Well, you do have options. The appeals process lets you take your case to a higher court to reevaluate a decision that smells fishier than last week’s sushi.

Let’s be clear, though: it’s not a redo of your case. You’re not presenting new evidence or taking the stand again. The appellate court reviews whether the law was correctly applied in your case, not whether your ex is a scumbag.

Here is the caveat, which is a big one. What no one tells you is how expensive it is to appeal and I’m not talking about lawyer fees, that’s a whole other thing. In order to appeal, you need to provide transcripts. My divorce trial lasted nine days. Each of those days costs around $1400. Especially with the advancements in AI, how transcripts are still uber expensive is baffling… but not really because they are greedy as … anyhow, I digress. Fee waivers in civil trials are not waived by being declared indigent, so if you are poor, like me, you have absolutely no right to appeal, even if you are willing to do the work. Now WTF is that BS?


In Conclusion: Know Your Rights

You have a right to appeal, but know that it’s a double-edged sword. The process is complex and costly but it could ultimately tip the scales back in your favor. So if you find yourself knee-deep in the muck of a court decision that doesn’t sit well, remember you’ve got one more arrow in your quiver. But aim carefully; appeals are the sniper rifles of the legal world—powerful but requiring precision.