How This Broke-Ass Divorcée Installed Outdoor Shooting Star Christmas Lights Like a Pro

How This Divorcee Became an Illumination Wizard with Outdoor Shooting Star Christmas Lights

Well, slap my extension cords and call me Kris Kringle; it’s time to slap up those  holiday lights and this year I’m including my infamous outdoor shooting star Christmas lights.  But this struggling single mom of 2.5 kids (don’t ask about the half) has gotta figure out how to bedazzle the crap outta my modest middle-class home on a shoestring budget.

Gear Up for Dazzling Displays

I may not have enough money left to hire one of those fancy-schmancy professional installers after Mr. Ex cleaned out my accounts, but between Pinterest fails and YouTube University (aka the School of Hard Knocks), I’ve picked up a few tips and tricks over the years, which got me a seat next to the pros this year.

So get ready to step into DubG’s decked-out debauchery, where I’ll be laying down more hot glue gun burns than sick beats as I transform this boring brick box into a glitzy Griswold family Christmas special. Just call me DubG-it-Yourself!

Safety First for Dazzling Displays

Alright, before we get jingling, the first rule of DubG’s Dazzling Displays is safety first. We don’t need any trips to the ER for “accidents” related to too much eggnog while balancing on the roof. I’ve already maxed out my health insurance with all the therapy bills!

So put down the spiked cocoa and let’s focus on not reenacting those wacky Griswold family moments. I may be the queen of DIY dollars, but medical bills are one accessory I can’t afford!

Must-Have Gear for Bedazzling

Now, for those basic bitches who have never bedazzled a bush before, here’s my handy checklist of must-have GEAR for professional-ish level illumination:

✔️ MEASURING TAPE How else will you know how many feet of lights to buy in bulk? Take it from me, there’s nothing more depressing than stringing up strands only to come two candy canes short. I found this calculator that will help you understand how many lights and feet you will need based on your measurements and it’s super cool.

✔️ HEAVY DUTY OUTDOOR EXTENSION CORDS The last thing you need to do is overload an outlet and send Santa straight down the chimney into a pile of ashes! Safety doesn’t take holidays off.

✔️ CLIPS & FASTENERS Channel your inner McGyver and let there be light with zip ties, binder clips, hot glue, etc. Nails and tacks are amateur hour.

✔️ TIMERS Set it and forget it! Nobody likes freezing their jingle bells off and fumbling with tangled cords in the dark.

✔️ GFCI ADAPTERS Water and electricity don’t mix well, unless you’re trying to pull a Frankenstein. Protect your strands so you don’t end up fried like my Thanksgiving turkey!

And most important of all:

✔️ THE BUDDY SYSTEM Doing it solo leads to injuries, and if that naughty neighbor catches you taking a tumble off the ladder, you know that footage is going viral faster than Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve!

5 Golden Rules for Griswold-Worthy Glam:

1. DITCH THE RETAIL CRAP Big box baloney is for basic bitches. They may proclaim “commercial grade,” but those lies are fa-la-la-la-fake news! Hit up our favorite supplier, Christmas Light Contractors, and use code DubG to get quality that will out-sparkle and outlast anything the seasonal aisle can supply.
2. FOCUS ON KEY AREAS Trying to light up the whole hood is how Clark Griswold ended up Face-Timing with Santa through some questionable hallucinations. Start small: just the trees, wreaths, and perimeter lighting around windows and doors to outline the house. Build up the spectacle over the years. Rome wasn’t illuminated overnight!
3. STRAP THOSE BABIES TIGHT No one likes saggy balls—I mean bulbs! As a new divorcee, I live by the words “Ya gotta keep it tight” in more ways than one.  I recently discovered the pro installer’s secret weapon at Christmas Lights Contractors USA by putting my nose where it didn’t belong (as usual). So skip the clips and strap it on, baby. For that perfectly straight line or spiral up the trunk and down the column, use code “DubG” or click the link to order your strap on—I mean  “Wrap Straps” with our discount code.   
4. MIND THE GAPS Consistency is key. Alternate the light sizes and shapes instead of clumping. Fill in dark spots for balanced dazzle distribution. This ain’t distributed evenly
5. PLOT YOUR PATH Diagram where each strand will snake around so you don’t end up tangled like last year’s tree lights that are still a rat’s nest in the attic. Professionalism = planning and this really inappropriate blog I slapped together is proof in the pudding.

And voilà! Just stick to DubG’s 5 Golden Rules and you’ll have the brightest, boldest, mistle-braggable masterpiece on the block!

Crafty Pro Tips and Tinsel Hacks

Just in case you need a little more holiday magic, here are my crafty pro tips and tinsel hacks:

★ Hot glue gun everything to the MAX. That shit will stick candy canes to candy asses!

★ Sick of untangling last year’s lights? Just chop off the end and splice those babies onto some fresh strands! Customization on a budget, baby. But don’t forget to unplug one of them, like I did.  Look out, Clark, there’s a new cover girl in town!

★ Wrap ordinary dollar store gift ribbons around those outdoor cords and tree trunks for an instant bejeweled makeover without the heating bill!

★ Adopt the (Griswold) family truckster aesthetic with some greenery garlands and holly berry bundles zip-tied into the exterior lights. Instant Clark Family XmasTM!

★ Take inspiration from Cousin Eddie’s festive Hawaiian shirt for those inflatable lawn ornaments everyone loves to hate. A little kitschy is key!

Shoot for the Stars Like DubG

Last but not least, my personal favorite and the center of my masterpiece, the shooting star! This space cadet mama is about to skip the rocket science and break down how to install meteoric magic with some celestial shooting star lights!

1. Step 1: Live Your Star Wars Fantasy Picture it: strings of LED lights cascading down in a meteor shower while Chewy and Han Solo race the Millennium Falcon across your roof. Transport your padawans to a galaxy far, far away…
2. Step 2: Safety First My Jedi Use the force of your common sense. Secure that ladder and enlist your tallest teen to help avoid tumbles from the dark side. No one wants to spend Christmas in a bacta tank!
3. Step 3: Location, Location, Location Map your galactic perimeter for optimal interstellar splendor. The roof is perfect for mimicking meteoric magnificence, but they also look supernova on trees, which is where I put them—the side of the house, really any location where even Nicholas Braun would have to look straight up to see. Diagram your cosmic masterpiece!
4. Step 4: It’s All About the Clips, Baby Yoda The higher the clips, the longer your shooting stream will appear. Space them out vertically by at least five feet. For extra pizazz, intersperse some standard bulbs between clips.
5. Step 5: Living on a Prayer to the Outlet Gods Pray you measured right for the cord length and have an outlet within the forcefield. Consider a handy outdoor outlet splitter just in case power runs short for your lightspeed lineup.
6. Step 6: Program Your Stars to Dazzle Most shooting star strands come with built-in timers and effects for intermittent illumination. Play around with the settings until you conjure up the quasar-quality sparkle you crave.
7. Step 7: Stand Back and Admire Your Skills, Jedi Master Gaze in wonder at your astronomical, awe-inspiring amateur achievement. Just be careful not to stare directly into the plasma rays for too long. No one needs their retinas roasted on Christmas!

It’s a Wrap! 

There you have it: DubG’s Divine Diagram for Defying DIY Disasters This Holiday Season! Add a bit of snowfall to your design with this handy pack here

With just a dash of creativity, blinky bulbs, and good-ole resourceful stubbornness, this snarky single mom embellished her way to victory over the basic bitches. Now I’ve just got to hope ex-husband Clint’s envy doesn’t drive him into hijacking my decor and hijinks like deranged cousin Eddie.

But if you do catch that Grinch trying to grinch his way into stealing Christmas, just blast a little “Mele Kalikimaka” and watch him dash away faster than Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve!

Happy decorating, ya filthy animals! This is DubG, signing off before the egg nog sends me sledding off the roof…again.

Jingle bell hell, here I come!