Divorce Advice: 30 Gems You’ll Wish You Never Heard

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30 Divorce Advice Tips That Might Just Be Worse Than the Divorce Itself

Divorce advice is like the blind trying to lead the blind across a 6 lane highway.

For me, it felt like as soon as I was getting a divorce, everyone has suddenly transformed into a relationship guru. Isn’t that convenient? Friends, family, and even that nosy neighbor I avoided for years are now all equipped with golden nuggets of “wisdom” for me.  Oh, joy. I’ve compiled a collection of the most cringe-worthy divorce advice I received from people who seemed to miss the “I didn’t ask” memo.

Pull up a chair, pour yourself something strong, then make it a double, because this is the kind of crap that spews out of people’s mouths, like a sewage pipe, gushing sludge, leaving me asking;  where in the hell did that come from and how do I make it stop? 

If you are already single again, you may find some of these familiar.

But if you somehow managed to dodge this bullet, treat this to your handy guide ‘Things You Should Never Say, Ever’ ‘ which sits right up there next to “Congratulations, you’re pregnant! When are you due?” but before you know 100%, like, saw the tiny head popping out of her va-ja-jay 100%. 

Need a Laugh? Explore Our Collection of Divorce Party Swag & Quotes!

The “Did I Ask You For Your Opinion” Worst Divorce Advice Collection

  1. Hopeless Romantic: “Just Stay Together for the Kids!” (DubG: Oh, for sure! Because our dinner table was missing a live soap opera. Two separate, sane parents? Overrated.)
  2. Relationship Rookie: “You Should Have Tried Harder!” (DubG: You’re right, maybe a genie would’ve popped out after a few more tries. No genie, no magic, no happily-ever-after.)
  3. Couch Counselor: “Why Don’t You Try Marriage Counseling? It’s Never Too Late!” (DubG: While we’re at it, can we also fix Humpty Dumpty?)
  4. Love Luminary: “Real love is about sacrifice. Even Your Happiness.” (DubG: Ah, gotcha. Misery and bottled-up rage are the true love language.)
  5. Aging Alarmist: You’ll Never Find Someone Else at Your Age!” (DubG: Oh no, who’s going to forget the milk now?)
  6. Disaster Denier: “This is just a phase.” “It Will Pass.” (DubG: Sure, like hurricanes or tsunamis. Pass me that storm shelter blueprint, will ya?)
  7. Quick-Fix Queen: “Start dating immediately. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!” (DubG: Right, let’s just duct tape that broken heart together.)
  8. Legal Eagle: “Make sure your divorce attorney is really aggressive” (DubG: So they can bill me for blinking? My wallet says thanks!)
  9. Savings Snob: “Just think of all the money you’ll save on anniversary gifts!” (DubG: Who knew? Marriage is basically a shopping spree gone wrong.)
  10. Selfie Sage: “Smile, you’re still gorgeous!” (DubG: Oh, so love’s all about those Instagrammable moments now? No filter can fix this.)
  11. Retro Raver: “Rekindle your college days. Remember how fun being single was?” (DubG: Ah, the joys of unsolicited eggplant pics and ghosting. Sign me up!)
  12. Team Tracker: “I always thought you were the better half anyway.” (DubG: Could’ve used that intel before saying “I do.)
  13. Chatterbox Champ: “Have you tried communicating?”  (DubG: Was using smoke signals not clear enough?)
  14. Glam Guru: “You should wear more makeup and heels. Lure them back in!” (DubG:: All aboard the superficial express! Shoes over soul, right?)
  15. Mate Merchant: “Now’s the time to find a younger model!” (DubG: Fabulous! Because teething and tantrums sound oh so appealing now.)
  16. Pet Proponent: “Get a pet. It’s easier than dealing with relationships.” (DubG: Ah, yes. Because cleaning up messes isn’t already my day job.)
  17. Fishy Fanatic: “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” (DubG: And guess who’s swimming with sharks?)
  18. Gold Digger Guide: “At least now you have a chance to marry rich!” (DubG: Dreams do come true! Dependency and diamonds, here I come!)
  19. Destiny Dreamer: “Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” (DubG: Maybe Destiny needs glasses.)
  20. Persistence Preacher: “You’re just giving up too easily.” (DubG: You’re right! Only a decade of doom. Let’s shoot for two.)
  21. Heart Healer: “Give it time, wounds heal.” (DubG: Well, Time better have good insurance.”
  22. Past Pundit: “See, this is why people shouldn’t get married young.” (DubG: If only my time machine was working. Would’ve skipped that episode.)
  23. Dating Devotee: Back on the horse? Online dating? (DubG: Recently uncoupled, sarcasm supplier seeks similar. Cape wearers get bonus points)
  24. Optimistic Ostrich: Everything happens for a reason. (DubG: No, Karen, sometimes the dryer just eats one, and I move on with my life.) 
  25. Soulmate Seeker: “There’s a soulmate for everyone!” (DubG: Got a refund policy on that?)
  26. Recycler: “You know, you can always remarry them later on.” (DubG: I could go dumpster diving too, but its    rotten gross, so I threw it in the trash)
  27. Reconciliation Ranger: “You guys might find your way back to each other.” (DubG: I’ve set up roadblocks.)
  28. Optimistic Observer: “You’re still friends though, right? (DubG: Of course, nothing says pals like splitting property.)
  29. Life Librarian: This will be a great chapter in your memoir someday! (DubG: Bookmarking this tragedy under ‘Comedy.’)
  30. Wedding Whiz: Your next wedding will be even better! (DubG:  Next wedding? Are you high?)