Introduction
Ah, marriage—the eternal bond that’s as breakable as an iPhone screen. Expensive divorces, anyone? You know, they say love is priceless, but divorce? Oh, that has a very specific price tag, and let me tell you, it’s more than the cost of your dream wedding Pinterest board. So, why should you care about the financial fiascos of the filthy rich? Because it’s like watching a train wreck made of diamond-encrusted gold—you can’t look away. Plus, it’s a cautionary tale for all of us who think prenups are just for pessimists.
The Billion-Dollar Club: Divorces That Broke Records
1) Bill and Melinda Gates (2021)
Summary:
The crown jewel of expensive divorces According to Forbes Bill and Melinda Gates ended their marriage, with Melinda receiving a staggering $76 billion.
Current net worth:
Bill: $132 billion
Melinda: $65.4 billion
The Insanity of This Divorce
Melinda could literally buy a small country or two, and Bill wouldn’t even notice the dent in his bank account. It’s like splitting a pizza and one person gets all the toppings, the cheese, and the box it came in.
2) Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos (2019)
Summary:
Imagine founding Amazon only to realize you also have to fund your ex’s new life as the world’s fourth-richest woman. Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos called it quits after 25 years, and MacKenzie walked away with a cool $38 billion.
Current net worth:
Jeff: $137 billion
MacKenzie: $59.8 billion
Outrageous Wealth Redistribution
MacKenzie got a 4% stake in Amazon, which is like saying, “Here, have a small country.” She’s since remarried and pledged to give away half her fortune to charity. Jeff, meanwhile, is probably building a spaceship to escape all future alimony claims.
3) Alec and Jocelyn Wildenstein (1999)
Summary:
Alec and Jocelyn Wildenstein divorced in 1999 after 21 years of marriage. Jocelyn received an estimated $3.8 billion settlement plus $100 million annually for 13 years.
Current net worth:
Alec: $10 billion (now deceased)
Jocelyn: Unclear
Absurdism in Action
Jocelyn received enough money to make Scrooge McDuck jealous, yet she filed for bankruptcy in 2018. It’s like winning the lottery and then losing the ticket in a house fire.
4) Bill and Sue Gross (2017)
Summary:
5) Married for 31 years, Bill and Sue Gross ended their marriage with a $1.3 billion settlement. Bill is a pioneering investor, while Sue is a charity head.
Current net worth:
Bill: $1.5 billion
Sue: $1.3 billion
The Outrageousness of It All
Sue got nearly as much as Bill’s current net worth. It’s like divorcing your barista and walking away with the coffee shop.
5) Rupert and Anna Murdoch (1999)
Summary:
After 32 years of marriage, Rupert and Anna Murdoch divorced with an estimated $1.7 billion settlement. Rupert built a media empire and is currently worth $22 billion.
Current net worth:
Rupert: $22 billion
Anna: $1.7 billion
Outstanding Financial Feats
Anna could buy several media companies with her settlement, but instead, she’s probably sipping tea somewhere, contemplating the irony of life.
6) Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone (2009)
Summary:
Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone divorced after 24 years of marriage with a $1 billion settlement. Bernie is the CEO of Formula One.
Current net worth:
Bernie: $3 billion
Slavica: $1.2 billion
The Absurdity of Speedy Settlements
Slavica could probably buy a few Formula One teams with her settlement. Bernie, on the other hand, might be calculating how many more races he needs to win to break even.
7) Steve and Elaine Wynn (2010)
Summary:
After 43 years of marriage, Steve and Elaine Wynn divorced with a $1 billion settlement. Steve is the founder of Wynn Resorts.
Current net worth:
Steve: $3.4 billion
Elaine: $2.1 billion
The Insanity of Betting on Love
Elaine could literally buy a casino or two, and Steve would still be listed on Forbes. It’s like gambling your house away but still owning the entire Vegas Strip.
8) Craig and Wendy McCaw (1998)
Summary:
Craig and Wendy McCaw, married for 17 years, ended their union with a $460 million settlement. Craig is a cell phone pioneer.
Current net worth:
Craig: $1.8 billion
Wendy: $460 million
The Outrageousness of Cellular Settlements
Wendy could buy her own telecom company, while Craig is probably inventing the next big thing in mobile technology. It’s like divorcing the inventor of the wheel and getting a fleet of Teslas.
9) Mel and Robyn Gibson (2011)
Summary:
Mel and Robyn Gibson divorced after 31 years of marriage with a $425 million settlement. Mel is a well-known actor and director.
Current net worth:
Mel: $425 million
Robyn: $430 million
Absurdism in Hollywood
Robyn could finance her own blockbuster movie, while Mel is probably still paying off the divorce by acting in sequels nobody asked for. It’s like splitting up and still being tied together by contractual obligations.
10) Michael and Juanita Jordan (2006)
Summary:
Michael and Juanita Jordan, married for 17 years, divorced with a $168 million settlement. Michael is an NBA legend.
Current net worth:
Michael: $1.7 billion
Juanita: $170 million
The Insanity of Athletic Alimony
Juanita could buy her own basketball team, while Michael is busy being a billionaire. It’s like dunking on your ex in the game of financial freedom.
11) Neil Diamond and Marcia Murphey (1995)
Summary:
Neil Diamond and Marcia Murphey divorced after 25 years of marriage, with Neil paying $150 million. Neil is a singer-songwriter.
Current net worth:
Neil: $175 million
Marcia: $150 million
Outstanding Melodic Settlements
Marcia could produce her own music festival, while Neil is probably writing a ballad about expensive love. It’s like breaking up and still hearing your ex’s voice on the radio every day.
12) Frank and Jamie McCourt (2011)
Summary:
Frank and Jamie McCourt, who were married for 30 years, divorced with a $130 million settlement. They owned the LA Dodgers.
Current net worth:
Frank: $1 billion
Jamie: $130 million
The Absurdity of Sporting Splits
Jamie could buy a minor league baseball team while Frank is still playing in the big leagues. It’s like striking out but still owning the ballpark.
13) Greg and Kathy Norman (2016)
Summary:
Greg and Kathy Norman divorced after 26 years of marriage with a $125 million settlement. Greg made his fortune in telecom and investing.
Current net worth:
Greg: $400 million
Kathy: $125 million
The Insanity of Telecom Ties
Kathy could start her own investment firm, while Greg is probably diversifying his portfolio to recover. It’s like getting a divorce and still having joint custody of the stock market.
14) Michael and Maya Polsky (2007)
Summary:
Michael and Maya Polsky, married for 39 years, divorced with a $120 million settlement. Michael is an energy magnate.
Current net worth:
Michael: $1 billion
Maya: $120 million
Outrageous Energy Expenditures
Maya could probably power a small city with her settlement, while Michael is busy monopolizing renewable resources. It’s like divorcing the sun and still owning the solar system.
15) Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren (2010)
Summary:
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren divorced after 6 years of marriage with a $110 million settlement. Tiger’s serial infidelity was the cause.
Current net worth:
Tiger: $800 million
Elin: $120 million
Absurdism on the Fairway
Elin could buy her own golf course, while Tiger is probably still paying off the settlement by endorsing every golf club on the planet. It’s like cheating in the game and still expecting a trophy.
16) Steven and Elaine Wynn (2010)
Summary:
Yes, they’re here again because they divorced twice! This time, the settlement was $100 million.
Current net worth:
Steve: $3.4 billion
Elaine: $2.1 billion
Outstanding Casino Comebacks
Elaine could literally buy another casino, while Steve is probably adding a new wing to his existing empire. It’s like hitting the jackpot twice and still playing the slots.
17) Louis and Lorna Jaffe (2015)
Summary:
Louis and Lorna Jaffe divorced after 50 years of marriage with a $100 million settlement. They founded the Jenny Craig weight loss program.
Current net worth:
Louis: $500 million
Lorna: $100 million
The Absurdity of Diet Divorces
Lorna could start her own wellness empire, while Louis is probably counting calories and dollars simultaneously. It’s like divorcing your gym partner but still sharing a treadmill.
18) Michael and Jerri Strahan (2006)
Summary:
Michael and Jerri Strahan divorced after 7 years of marriage with a $99 million settlement. Michael is an ex-NFL star.
Current net worth:
Michael: $65 million
Jerri: $99 million
The Outrageousness of Gridiron Gains
Jerri could buy her own football team, while Michael is probably still doing commercials to make ends meet. It’s like tackling your ex in the Super Bowl of settlements.
19) Charles and Sue-Ann G. Flett (2012)
Summary:
Charles and Sue-Ann G. Flett divorced after 33 years of marriage with a $95 million settlement. Charles founded an investment firm.
Current net worth:
Charles: $95 million
Sue-Ann: Unknown
Absurdism in Investments
Sue-Ann could probably buy out Charles’ investment firm, while Charles is likely diversifying into alimony bonds. It’s like shorting your own stock and still expecting dividends.
20) Reuben and Lorna Stiefel (2011)
Summary:
Reuben and Lorna Stiefel divorced after 32 years of marriage with a $92 million settlement. They sold a family pharmaceutical firm.
Current net worth:
Reuben: $100 million
Lorna: $92 million
The Insanity of Pharma Fortunes
Lorna could start her own pharmaceutical company, while Reuben is probably investing in holistic medicine to heal his financial wounds. It’s like creating a cure but still feeling the side effects.
21) Robert and Sheila Johnson (2002)
Summary:
Robert and Sheila Johnson divorced after 33 years of marriage, with an estimated $90 million settlement. They founded BET.
Current net worth:
Robert: $600 million
Sheila: $400 million
Outstanding Media Maneuvers
Sheila could launch her own TV network, while Robert is probably still counting his BET earnings. It’s like divorcing the director but still owning the show.
22) Craig and Wendy McCaw (1998)
Summary:
Yes, they’re back again because their settlement was revised to $90 million for Wendy. Craig is a pioneering cell phone developer.
Current net worth:
Craig: $1.8 billion
Wendy: $460 million
Absurd Telecom Twists
Wendy could probably start a rival telecom company, while Craig is busy patenting the next generation of mobile technology. It’s like breaking up but still sharing the Wi-Fi password.
23) Harrison and Abigail Ford (1977)
Summary:
Harrison and Abigail Ford divorced after 10 years of marriage with an estimated $87 million settlement. Harrison is an oil tycoon heir.
Current net worth:
Harrison: $300 million
Abigail: $87 million
The Outrageousness of Oil Oaths
Abigail could probably buy her own oil field, while Harrison is likely still drilling for more. It’s like divorcing the well and still striking black gold.
24) Dan and Phyllis Tudor Jones (1990)
Summary:
Dan and Phyllis Tudor Jones divorced after 13 years of marriage, with an estimated $72 million settlement. Dan is a hedge fund billionaire.
Current net worth:
Dan: $6.5 billion
Phyllis: $72 million
Absurd Hedge Fund Hijinks
25) Phyllis could start her own hedge fund, while Dan is probably still shorting the market. It’s like betting against your marriage and still winning the jackpot.
25) Michael and Diane Schumacher (2001)
Summary:
Michael and Diane Schumacher divorced after 18 years of marriage, with an estimated $80 million settlement. Michael is a champion Formula One racer.
Current net worth:
Michael: $800 million
Diane: $80 million
The Insanity of Racing Riches
Diane could probably sponsor her own Formula One team, while Michael is likely still doing victory laps. It’s like crossing the finish line but still losing the race.
26) Alec and Jocelyn Wildenstein (1999)
Summary:
Yes, they’re here again because their settlement was revised to $2.5 billion for Jocelyn. Alec was a billionaire art dealer.
Current net worth:
Alec: $10 billion (deceased)
Jocelyn: $2.5 billion
Outstanding Artistic Alimony
Jocelyn could buy the Louvre, while Alec is probably still selling priceless paintings in the afterlife. It’s like divorcing the curator but still owning the gallery.
27) Adnan and Soraya Khashoggi (1974)
Summary:
Adnan and Soraya Khashoggi divorced after 13 years of marriage with an estimated $874 million settlement. Adnan was a Saudi arms dealer.
Current net worth:
Adnan: $400 million (deceased)
Soraya: $874 million
Absurd Arms Deals
Soraya could probably start her own defense company, while Adnan is likely negotiating arms deals in the great beyond. It’s like breaking up but still sharing the arsenal.
28) Steve and Elaine Wynn (2010)
Summary:
Steve and Elaine Wynn make another appearance because they divorced twice! This time, the settlement was $740 million for Elaine.
Current net worth:
Steve: $3.4 billion
Elaine: $2.1 billion
The Outrageousness of Casino Comebacks, Part II
Elaine could literally buy another casino, while Steve is probably adding a new wing to his existing empire. It’s like hitting the jackpot twice and still playing the slots.
29) Robert and Sheila Johnson (2002)
Summary:
Robert and Sheila Johnson divorced after 33 years of marriage, with an estimated $400 million settlement. They founded BET.
Current net worth:
Robert: $600 million
Sheila: $400 million
Absurd Media Maneuvers, The Sequel
Sheila could launch her own TV network, while Robert is probably still counting his BET earnings. It’s like divorcing the director but still owning the show.
30) Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone (2009)
Summary:
Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone divorced after 24 years of marriage with a $381 million settlement. Bernie is the CEO of Formula One.
Current net worth:
Bernie: $3 billion
Slavica: $1.2 billion
Insanity on the Fast Track
Slavica could probably buy her own racetrack, while Bernie is likely still negotiating TV rights for Formula One. It’s like divorcing the pit crew but still owning the car.
31) Arnold and Maria Shriver (2011)
Summary:
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver divorced after 25 years of marriage with an estimated $375 million settlement. Arnold is an actor/politician, and Maria is a journalist.
Current net worth:
Arnold: $400 million
Maria: $375 million
Outstanding Political Payouts
Maria could probably fund her own news network, while Arnold is likely still saying, “I’ll be back” to his financial advisor. It’s like terminating your marriage but still running for office.
32) Roman and Irina Abramovich (2007)
Summary:
Roman and Irina Abramovich divorced after 5 years of marriage with an estimated $300 million settlement. Roman is a Russian oligarch.
Current net worth:
Roman: $14.5 billion
Irina: $300 million
Absurd Oligarch Offerings
Irina could probably buy her own island, while Roman is likely adding another yacht to his fleet. It’s like divorcing the emperor but still owning the kingdom.
33) Michael and Juanita Jordan (2006)
Summary:
Michael and Juanita Jordan divorced after 17 years of marriage with an initial $168 million settlement, then an additional $260 million more in 2018.
Current net worth:
Michael: $1.7 billion
Juanita: $170 million
The Insanity of Hoop Dreams
Juanita could probably buy her own NBA team, while Michael is likely still selling sneakers and owning the Charlotte Hornets. It’s like scoring a three-pointer but still losing the game.
34) Michael and Maya Polsky (2007)
Summary:
Michael and Maya Polsky divorced after 39 years of marriage with an initial $120 million settlement, then an additional $184 million in 2017.
Current net worth:
Michael: $1 billion
Maya: $120 million
Absurd Energy Expenditures
Maya could probably start her own green energy company, while Michael is likely still powering up skyscrapers. It’s like turning off the lights but still paying the electric bill.
35) Charles and Sue-Ann G. Flett (2012)
Summarv
Charles and Sue-Ann G. Flett divorced after 33 years of marriage with a $95 million settlement. Charles founded an investment firm.
Current net worth:
Charles: $95 million
Sue-Ann: Unknown
Outstanding Investment Ironies
Sue-Ann could probably buy out Charles’ investment firm, while Charles is likely diversifying into alimony bonds. It’s like shorting your own stock and still expecting dividends.
36) Rupert and Anna Murdoch (1999)
Summary:
Rupert and Anna Murdoch divorced after 32 years of marriage with an estimated $100 million settlement. Rupert built a global media empire.
Current net worth:
Rupert: $22 billion
Anna: $1.7 billion
The Outrageousness of Media Monopolies
Anna could probably start her own news channel, while Rupert is likely still acquiring more media outlets. It’s like divorcing the news but still making headlines.
37) Neil Diamond and Marcia Murphey (1995)
Summary:
Neil Diamond and Marcia Murphey divorced after 25 years of marriage with a $150 million settlement. Neil is a singer-songwriter.
Current net worth:
Neil: $175 million
Marcia: $150 million
Absurd Melodies
Marcia could probably produce her own album, while Neil is likely still singing “Sweet Caroline” to his bank account. It’s like breaking up but still singing the blues.
38) Frank and Jamie McCourt (2011)
Summary:
Frank and Jamie McCourt divorced after 30 years of marriage with a $130 million settlement. They owned the LA Dodgers.
Current net worth:
Frank: $1 billion
Jamie: $130 million
The Insanity of Diamond Deals
Jamie could probably buy her own minor league team, while Frank is likely still negotiating player contracts. It’s like striking out but still owning the ballpark.
39) Greg and Kathy Norman (2016)
Summary:
Greg and Kathy Norman divorced after 26 years of marriage with a $125 million settlement. Greg made his fortune in telecom and investing.
Current net worth:
Greg: $400 million
Kathy: $125 million
Outrageous Telecom Tangles
Kathy could probably start her own telecom company, while Greg is likely still investing in 5G towers. It’s like disconnecting the call but still owning the network.
40) Reuben and Lorna Stiefel (2011)
Summary:
Reuben and Lorna Stiefel divorced after 32 years of marriage with a $92 million settlement. They sold their family pharmaceutical company.
Current net worth:
Reuben: $100 million
Lorna: $92 million
Absurd Pharma Phenomena
Lorna could probably develop her own vaccine, while Reuben is likely still patenting new drugs. It’s like divorcing the lab but still owning the formula.
41) Harrison and Abigail Ford (1977)
Summary:
Yes, they’re back again. Harrison and Abigail Ford divorced after 10 years of marriage with an estimated $87 million settlement. Harrison is an oil tycoon heir.
Current net worth:
Harrison: $300 million
Abigail: $87 million
Outstanding Oil Oddities, Part II
Abigail could probably buy another oil field, while Harrison is likely still drilling for more. It’s like divorcing the well and still striking black gold.
42) Dan and Phyllis Tudor Jones (1990)
Summary:
Dan and Phyllis Tudor Jones make another appearance because, why not? They divorced after 13 years of marriage with an estimated $72 million settlement. Dan is a hedge fund billionaire.
Current net worth:
Dan: $6.5 billion
Phyllis: $72 million
The Insanity of Hedge Fund Histrionics, Part II
Phyllis could start her own hedge fund, while Dan is probably still shorting the market. It’s like betting against your marriage and still winning the jackpot.
43) Michael and Diane Schumacher (2001)
Summary:
Michael and Diane Schumacher divorced after 18 years of marriage, with an estimated $80 million settlement. Michael is a champion Formula One racer.
Current net worth:
Michael: $800 million
Diane: $80 million
Absurd Speeds and Spousal Spats
Diane could probably sponsor her own racing team, while Michael is likely still doing victory laps in his bank vault. It’s like divorcing the driver but still owning the car.
44) Guy and Kathy Ritchie (2008)
Summary:
Guy and Kathy Ritchie divorced after 8 years of marriage with an estimated $76 million settlement. Guy is a famous director, and Kathy is Madonna’s ex.
Current net worth:
Guy: $150 million
Kathy: $850 million (Thanks, Madonna!)
Outrageous Directorial Dramas
Kathy could probably finance Guy’s next blockbuster, while Guy is likely still yelling “cut” to his financial planner. It’s like divorcing the director but still owning the script.
45) Calvin and Kelly Klein (2006)
Summary:
Calvin and Kelly Klein divorced after 19 years of marriage with a $62 million settlement. Calvin is a pioneering fashion designer.
Current net worth:
Calvin: $700 million
Kelly: $62 million
The Insanity of Fashion Faux Pas
Kelly could probably launch her own fashion line, while Calvin is likely still sketching new designs. It’s like divorcing the tailor but still owning the fabric.
46) Michael and Justine Musk (2008)
Summary:
Michael and Justine Musk divorced after 8 years of marriage with a $56 million settlement. Michael is a tech entrepreneur and Elon Musk’s brother.
Current net worth:
Michael: Unknown
Justine: $56 million
Absurd Silicon Valley Ventures
Justine could probably invest in the next big startup, while Michael is likely still brainstorming with Elon. It’s like divorcing the coder but still owning the software.
47) Boris and Barbara Becker (2001)
Summary:
Boris and Barbara Becker divorced after 7 years of marriage with an estimated $52 million settlement. Boris is a legendary tennis star.
Current net worth:
Boris: $20 million
Barbara: $52 million
Outstanding Court Controversies
Barbara could probably build her own tennis academy, while Boris is likely still serving aces in exhibition matches. It’s like divorcing the champion but still owning the trophy.
48) Steven and Elaine Wynn (2010)
Summary:
Steven and Elaine Wynn divorced after 43 years of marriage with a $50 million settlement. Steven is a casino mogul.
Current net worth:
Steven: $3.4 billion
Elaine: $2.1 billion
Absurdism in the Casino
Elaine could probably buy her own casino strip, while Steven is likely still rolling the dice on his next venture. It’s like hitting the jackpot but still losing your lucky charm.
49) Samathur and Niloufer Liyanage (2013)
Summary:
Samathur and Niloufer Liyanage divorced after 30 years of marriage with an estimated $100 million settlement. Samathur is a financier.
Current net worth:
Samathur: $100 million
Niloufer: Unknown
Outrageous Financial Flips
Niloufer could probably start her own hedge fund, while Samathur is likely still trading on Wall Street. It’s like shorting your marriage and still expecting a bull market.
50) Jin Sook and Do Won Chang (2019)
Summary:
Jin Sook and Do Won Chang divorced after 37 years of marriage with an estimated $450 million settlement. They founded clothing retailer Forever 21.
Current net worth:
Do Won: $3 billion
Jin Sook: $450 million
The Insanity of Fast Fashion
Jin Sook could probably launch her own fashion empire, while Do Won is likely still keeping Forever 21 afloat. It’s like divorcing the designer but still owning the label.
51) Harold and Sue Ann Hamm (2012)
Summary:
Harold and Sue Ann Hamm divorced after 26 years of marriage with a $975 million settlement. Harold is an oil & gas tycoon.
Current net worth:
Harold: $14 billion
Sue Ann: $975 million
Absurd Oil Oligarchies
Sue Ann could probably buy her own oil field, while Harold is likely still drilling away. It’s like divorcing the drill but still owning the well.
52) Chip and Joanna Gaines (2000)
Summary:
Chip and Joanna Gaines were married for 18 years before their business success. They have an estimated $50 million combined net worth and are HGTV Fixer Upper stars.
Current net worth:
Chip: $100 million
Joanna: $50 million
Outstanding Home Makeovers
Joanna could probably start her own interior design show, while Chip is likely still hammering away on TV. It’s like divorcing the carpenter but still owning the blueprint.
Conclusion: The Grass Isn’t Always Greener, Even When It’s Lined with Gold
So there you have it, folks. A whirlwind tour of the most expensive divorces that make even the GDP of some countries look like pocket change. But let’s get real for a second. Money, as dazzling as it may seem, doesn’t buy happiness—or a smooth divorce, for that matter.
The Absurdity of My Own Divorce Drama
Now, why did I decide to delve into this world of billion-dollar settlements and outrageous alimony payments? Simple. I’m heading back to court in less than a week to enforce an order that was supposed to benefit my ex. Yeah, you heard that right. I took a hit just to keep my kids in this house, and what does he do? Decides he’s above the law and skips out on payments.
Outstanding Lessons from the Rich and Infamous
So, Mr. Ex, if you’re reading this, it could be a lot worse. You could be one of these guys, parting with billions. But you’re not. You’re just a guy who can’t even stick to a court order that you agreed to because I was taking a major loss so our kids wouldn’t have to leave their childhood home. This was in your favor and you screwed it all up by trying to screw me. Sorry, buddy, there will be no more screwing me. Yup, I said it.
And to everyone else, if you think your divorce is messy, just remember: at least you’re not divvying up a billion-dollar empire.
The Insanity of Perspective
Divorce is never easy, no matter how many zeros are on the check. But sometimes, looking at the absurd, the outrageous, and the downright insane can offer a bit of perspective. So whether you’re dividing Beanie Babies or beach houses, just remember: you’re not alone, and hey, it could always be worse.
